Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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