There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
