his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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