i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
