that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
