if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
