I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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