even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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