I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
