You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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