I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
