We won't sleep together?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
it's like heaven, but drunker
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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