dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
