I wish I could teleport
I want to walk on stilts...naked
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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