I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
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Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
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So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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