Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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