Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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