I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
