Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
