I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
