you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Randomize
