Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
