zippers are such a cool invention
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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