Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
