Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
