I want to make a zoo with you.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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