If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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