dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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