and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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