As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
