Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
