yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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