I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
