Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
This is the high leading the old right now
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
