I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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