you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
