oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
