Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
