If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
