And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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