I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
