hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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