the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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