Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
