Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
