You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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