Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
