Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
