Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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