the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
