I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
