Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
