I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
