i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Acid is not a monday night drug
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
