I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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