There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
