she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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